Coming under some scrutiny
By TMX Archives on 13th Aug 09
AND now, as Monty Python used to say, for something completely different!Last week's Quad Column in T+MX contained a little hidden gem of an article, penned by the Quad Column's esteemed author, one Andrew Foulkes, and while I would never, ever suggest that the Quad Column is perhaps not read by every T+MX reader (and conversely, that this column is!) I do genuinely feel that Foulkes' piece is worth repeating in order to bring it to the maximum possible audience. (It also means a couple of hundred words less for me to write...) The piece in question refers to a call for volunteer scutineers at the upcoming Weston Beach Race and runs as follows:–
"Chief quad scrutineer, Chris Murphy, promises no pay, no free ride, no free parking, no free entry, BUT, the chance to fail your mates, or anyone else, on the most trivial technical points.
"Possible failures to consider are: Chain too loose. Chain too tight. Sand not cleaned off from last year's Weston. Eating in the queue. Drinking alcohol in the queue. Not drinking alcohol in the queue. Talking in the queue. Not talking in the queue. Throwing up without due care and attention.
"Other possible failures are not slipping the scrutineer a fiver. Helmet 200-years old. Spitting. Dribbling. Smoking. Exhaust too noisy. Rider too noisy. Dad too noisy. Excessive farting in the queue. Bad language. Bad attitude. Bad breath. Poor dress sense. Unacceptable stupidity. Not wearing a tie. Dirty shoes. Dirty hands. Fighting. Wearing a silly hat. Having an offensive face.”
Well, I thought it was funny. And it also made me think.
In the dim and distant past, when I was attempting to earn a crust by wielding spanners (I know, it amazes me too!) I have served, under duress, as a scrutineer at the odd motocross event. And very instructive I found it. And strange as it may seem, I too looked for faults, however petty, as a reason to fail my mates so they had to push their bikes back to the van, preferably uphill, and then re-join the (very) long queue in order to see me again!
And yes, I'd do the same again!
Instructive? Yes it was, if only because of the fact that it frequently amazed me that some machines (they were admittedly in a tiny minority) were presented for scrutineering with some pretty basic errors. Loose grips, loose bars, loose spokes, loose headstock, sticking throttles, chain minus split-link – and these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. This is of course the whole point of scrutineering and while it does offer the chance of much leg-pulling and banter it really does serve a serious purpose.
I best recall John Wren, now of John Wren Motorcycle Services, then foreman mechanic at Eddy Crooks, presenting his immaculate Suzuki – and being sent back to find, and use, a spanner as the front wheel spindle nut was loose. John was mortified of course, but grateful for the spot and actually congratulated me on doing my job properly as he certainly didn't want to fire off a jump and land with the spindle possibly hanging out...
Not everyone was so magnanimous though and it surprised me when the odd rider got quite grumpy when sent back to sort out what they thought was a minor problem. I don't call a loose grip a minor problem, or a clanking headstock.
Possibly because of my (albeit short-lived) stint as a scrutineer I sometimes make a point of watching those doing the job at meetings. Most do a good job, some go the extra mile and do a superb job. But, I have to say occasionally I see scrutineering where it is clearly being done just to satisfy the regs with just a cursory glance at the bike and a finger run round half a dozen spokes. Now, I'm the last person in the world to preach about sticking to the regs as I instinctively shy from anything resembling a system or smacking of authority (a trait I always displayed but developed and honed to a fine art under former T+MX editor Bill Lawless) but this is one instance where due diligence should be applied.
I know it is a real ask of a person to thoroughly check what may be hundreds of bikes but, putting down my scrutineer's hat and donning a hypothetical crash helmet, us riders really do need saving from ourselves!
Actually, conversely, as both a rider and a mechanic at the time I used to get quite panicky when presenting my own bike for scrutineering, in case I had forgotten something really obvious and had no wish to make myself look any more silly than I actually was!
So good luck with recruiting those quad scrutineers for Weston, (Chris Murphy is in charge and awaits your offer at: info@noramx.co.uk) and should you become one by all means send your best mate back to the van for wearing that offensive pink shirt or for welching on what was clearly his round in the bar last night. But if you spot that missing pinch bolt, frayed throttle cable, loose shock mount or cracked axle trunnion (what the hell is a trunnion?) then you might just have saved someone, and possibly an innocent third party, from a possible nasty incident.
Scrutineers of the world, and Weston, please take a bow...